Moving out on my own has been one of the most liberating things I have ever done. I feel forced into a land of limbo and uncertainty where all of my past demons are fighting their way up and out into my headspace to see how I can handle them alone.
So far... that's been going ok. But my deepest demon and the wall that is the thickest and built with the best brick... is rearing it's face again.
I'm having huge esteem issues.
There we go. As much as I want to be a voice of promoting self-esteem and a voice of reason for girls who have so much loathing for their own bodies.... I am a hypocrite. I am in a constant battle with myself. Even the half-marathon training was fuelled because i wanted to be skinny at the end of it all. Not because I wanted to be able to do it. YES doing it would be amazing - and I still very much want to do it one day. But I want to do it for the right reasons.
I have this spider web of conflict inside of me that has been woven for 24 years. So I think the best thing to do is get it out. It's not like it's a secret. Unfortunately those that I love are the ones that have to deal with my ugly side. ANd that's really not fair. Trust does not mean equate to a free pass for dumping baggage. It makes those you love feel like shit. I am sorry for that. This is my issue.. and it's a nasty one. I think the only way to solve it is by not bullshitting. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy doing it. I want love... I want support. I also want everyone to say it's not necessary!!! Hell - no one wants to hear that they need to drop weight. It's a really shitty thing to hear and an even shittier one to suck up and absorb. My agent says I need to do it. So I will. This is it... And it's going to be healthy.
I've started the 4 Hour Body 'transformation'. I am on the slow-card diet. I eat a lot of beans, proteins, and veggies 6 out of 7 days a week. The 7th day is a fiesta of all things naughty in high quantities designed as it feels (as I am on my very first cheat day RIGHT now) - like shit. I am in sugar coma... I have been pooping constantly... aaand I feel fat. Part of that heavieness comes from my current disposition.
Anyway. Week one was a success! I'm not judging successes in weight loss yet. But I CAN do it. I am capable of this. I learned that in week one. I am still not emotionally stable enough to step onto a scale. That will be my goal at the end of this.
I have to nap now... the sugar coma is really rocking my eyelids.
basic point of this post is to get it out in the open that i do have a problem. A problem that is a boarder line full blown eating disorder. But I know that. And I want to fix it.
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