Moving out on my own has been one of the most liberating things I have ever done. I feel forced into a land of limbo and uncertainty where all of my past demons are fighting their way up and out into my headspace to see how I can handle them alone.
So far... that's been going ok. But my deepest demon and the wall that is the thickest and built with the best brick... is rearing it's face again.
I'm having huge esteem issues.
There we go. As much as I want to be a voice of promoting self-esteem and a voice of reason for girls who have so much loathing for their own bodies.... I am a hypocrite. I am in a constant battle with myself. Even the half-marathon training was fuelled because i wanted to be skinny at the end of it all. Not because I wanted to be able to do it. YES doing it would be amazing - and I still very much want to do it one day. But I want to do it for the right reasons.
I have this spider web of conflict inside of me that has been woven for 24 years. So I think the best thing to do is get it out. It's not like it's a secret. Unfortunately those that I love are the ones that have to deal with my ugly side. ANd that's really not fair. Trust does not mean equate to a free pass for dumping baggage. It makes those you love feel like shit. I am sorry for that. This is my issue.. and it's a nasty one. I think the only way to solve it is by not bullshitting. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy doing it. I want love... I want support. I also want everyone to say it's not necessary!!! Hell - no one wants to hear that they need to drop weight. It's a really shitty thing to hear and an even shittier one to suck up and absorb. My agent says I need to do it. So I will. This is it... And it's going to be healthy.
I've started the 4 Hour Body 'transformation'. I am on the slow-card diet. I eat a lot of beans, proteins, and veggies 6 out of 7 days a week. The 7th day is a fiesta of all things naughty in high quantities designed as it feels (as I am on my very first cheat day RIGHT now) - like shit. I am in sugar coma... I have been pooping constantly... aaand I feel fat. Part of that heavieness comes from my current disposition.
Anyway. Week one was a success! I'm not judging successes in weight loss yet. But I CAN do it. I am capable of this. I learned that in week one. I am still not emotionally stable enough to step onto a scale. That will be my goal at the end of this.
I have to nap now... the sugar coma is really rocking my eyelids.
basic point of this post is to get it out in the open that i do have a problem. A problem that is a boarder line full blown eating disorder. But I know that. And I want to fix it.
A
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Postponing
It's official. I will not be running my half as planned on May 15th. I will however enlist in some Running Room training times and get my 21km run in October!! This past month has really just knocked me out physically.
I've been getting back into the gym. Not that I spent very long away from it - but when a girl is used to hitting the gym every other day for almost a year - missing it for almost a week is awful! I've since run a couple of times and hit my epic ass kickings of all ass kickings - the self named spinlates doosey.
Another thing that needs to be said... is that the running was very much inspired by CN. He stands by it being the best weight loss tool - and yes I have lost weight... but I am finding myself kind of rebelling against running for the time being. A work out is a work out. If you are working hard, your heart is beating and your body is sweating - then you are doing good things for yourself.
Spinlates is when I go to an hour spinning class followed by Pilates class. It's KILLER. You work your ass off in both. And spinning makes me not think about time. I don't fixate on how much longer is left in the class - i have fun. I listen to the beat of the music and pound it out. And sweatwise? I am a hot mess. Then going immediately to a Pilates class that is focusing on killing my abs really helps me to work everything.
Speaking of hot messes... this past week has been a little tough. I've started to feel really alone - which makes sense considering I ended a 2 and a half year partnership of not aloneness. Now it's just me. It is hard to let that sink in and stomach it. In fact... I haven't reaaallly been able to handle a lot of food over the past week and a bit. My appetite is shot. This is another reason I can't see myself doing the half on the 15th. I'm starting to really abuse myself with eating. I realize that this is an issue. It's weird when you don't eat because you're not hungry... and then consciously not eat because you're addicted to the feeling of an empty stomach. It's a really sick feeling of control. Should I have chosen to attempt the half, in all seriousness - I fear I would have passed out along the route. Don't worry... I'm not going to let this go on and have it turn into some full blown eating disorder. The fact that I know what I'm technically doing is a good first step to not letting it go further. To combat it, I am packing up a nice healthy dinner to bring to work tonight.
Anyway. This isn't that exciting of a post but I do hope it was enjoyable in some sense.
Ta!
I've been getting back into the gym. Not that I spent very long away from it - but when a girl is used to hitting the gym every other day for almost a year - missing it for almost a week is awful! I've since run a couple of times and hit my epic ass kickings of all ass kickings - the self named spinlates doosey.
Another thing that needs to be said... is that the running was very much inspired by CN. He stands by it being the best weight loss tool - and yes I have lost weight... but I am finding myself kind of rebelling against running for the time being. A work out is a work out. If you are working hard, your heart is beating and your body is sweating - then you are doing good things for yourself.
Spinlates is when I go to an hour spinning class followed by Pilates class. It's KILLER. You work your ass off in both. And spinning makes me not think about time. I don't fixate on how much longer is left in the class - i have fun. I listen to the beat of the music and pound it out. And sweatwise? I am a hot mess. Then going immediately to a Pilates class that is focusing on killing my abs really helps me to work everything.
Speaking of hot messes... this past week has been a little tough. I've started to feel really alone - which makes sense considering I ended a 2 and a half year partnership of not aloneness. Now it's just me. It is hard to let that sink in and stomach it. In fact... I haven't reaaallly been able to handle a lot of food over the past week and a bit. My appetite is shot. This is another reason I can't see myself doing the half on the 15th. I'm starting to really abuse myself with eating. I realize that this is an issue. It's weird when you don't eat because you're not hungry... and then consciously not eat because you're addicted to the feeling of an empty stomach. It's a really sick feeling of control. Should I have chosen to attempt the half, in all seriousness - I fear I would have passed out along the route. Don't worry... I'm not going to let this go on and have it turn into some full blown eating disorder. The fact that I know what I'm technically doing is a good first step to not letting it go further. To combat it, I am packing up a nice healthy dinner to bring to work tonight.
Anyway. This isn't that exciting of a post but I do hope it was enjoyable in some sense.
Ta!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
My Letter to Juliet
I have taken a mental health and heart break and have basically fled to Calgary for recluse over the past few days. I have been doing things my way... seeing people who feed my soul with good things, sleeping, planning, silly movie watching with my poor mom. Basically I've begun to re-fall in love - with myself. I know that sounds lame and conceited and blah blah blah... but's it isn't in the least. I've really had a huge and very real and scary disconnect with myself lately. I haven't been honest with myself at all and my body began to rebel sending me into funks and sickness that I didn't understand. I lost my voice for an audition I really cared about... and I think it was my bodies way of telling me to wake the fuck up and start looking around you and the life that you are living. Is this it? Is this what you want?
I'm awake now. My soul is itching to be fully connected with my head and heart again but oo boy some things just do a number on you. I have never been in the kind of pain I feel right now. It is literally as if someone were taking my heart and scraping away at all the surrounding area created a membrane of very real and intense pain. My chest hurts man! I don't know what a heart attack is like (and hopefully.. i never will) but... wow. Heartbreak is akin to death. The scary thing is... this is my choice. This is self inflicted heartbreak. This is heartbreak filled with resent, fear, love, excitement and curiosity.
How fucked up is that?!
Anyway. I watched the movie 'Letters to Juliet' tonight and was pretty swept away at the thought of it. I felt so personally and directly connected to the story. First of all... I am your Grade A hopeless romantic. I have times where I want someone to make some profoundly embarrassing display of emotions ala the Brat Pack movies. Which makes me fear that I live in my own high expectation ridden world of ideals about love. Basically.. I think that although love has times that are tough - that it should be easy and smooth sailing and logical in a slightly illogical way. Real love should happen whether you want it or not. It broke my heart (more..) to see those darlings writing letters to post on the Wall of Juliet in Verona. Girls pouring out the guts to someone who doesn't exist just because they feel that she is a person who would understand that sometimes love isn't what you plan it out to be. In fact.. most times it's not. Love can be mistake-tastic!!
... does anyone find it morbid that I am going through a heartbreak and going on about love all at the same time?
If I were to write a letter to Juliet (and the romance of that thought makes me totally want to) I would hope to say something profound. However, I think I would just wait until a lot of people were at the wall to serve as a giant mass of distraction.. and I would casually walk over to the wall and carefully (and sneakily) read other peoples thoughts. An indulgence of the heart.
AND I would probably cry because I'm a huge sap and a huge believer in love... which leaves me with hope that I can find a great, real.. love.
I'm awake now. My soul is itching to be fully connected with my head and heart again but oo boy some things just do a number on you. I have never been in the kind of pain I feel right now. It is literally as if someone were taking my heart and scraping away at all the surrounding area created a membrane of very real and intense pain. My chest hurts man! I don't know what a heart attack is like (and hopefully.. i never will) but... wow. Heartbreak is akin to death. The scary thing is... this is my choice. This is self inflicted heartbreak. This is heartbreak filled with resent, fear, love, excitement and curiosity.
How fucked up is that?!
Anyway. I watched the movie 'Letters to Juliet' tonight and was pretty swept away at the thought of it. I felt so personally and directly connected to the story. First of all... I am your Grade A hopeless romantic. I have times where I want someone to make some profoundly embarrassing display of emotions ala the Brat Pack movies. Which makes me fear that I live in my own high expectation ridden world of ideals about love. Basically.. I think that although love has times that are tough - that it should be easy and smooth sailing and logical in a slightly illogical way. Real love should happen whether you want it or not. It broke my heart (more..) to see those darlings writing letters to post on the Wall of Juliet in Verona. Girls pouring out the guts to someone who doesn't exist just because they feel that she is a person who would understand that sometimes love isn't what you plan it out to be. In fact.. most times it's not. Love can be mistake-tastic!!
... does anyone find it morbid that I am going through a heartbreak and going on about love all at the same time?
If I were to write a letter to Juliet (and the romance of that thought makes me totally want to) I would hope to say something profound. However, I think I would just wait until a lot of people were at the wall to serve as a giant mass of distraction.. and I would casually walk over to the wall and carefully (and sneakily) read other peoples thoughts. An indulgence of the heart.
AND I would probably cry because I'm a huge sap and a huge believer in love... which leaves me with hope that I can find a great, real.. love.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
My Fitness Pal and PICTURE TIME
Why has it been so long? Because I have joined a website called myfitnesspal.com.
Basically - it's Facebook for people who have fitness goals. It's a place to track and celebrate you success and track and figure out your trouble spots with people who are like minded to you. I highly recommend it to anyone looking to train for something, or lose weight.. or even just track their food for the hell of it. I've learned a lot from that website.
Essentially when you set up your profile, you enter in your goals and your time frame for you goal along with your personal h/w details. Then... it calculates how much you need to eat (not just in calories but in protein, fiber etc) and how much you need to exercise in order to reach said goal. It can be extremely eye opening. I mean.. i know sbux is bad for me but did you know that even the "slim sensations" muffin at Mcdicks has 380 Calories in it? Since when is that slimming OR sensational? NOT WORTH IT. Anyway... since starting that site I have seen a pretty exciting 3 pound weight loss. WOOOoOO
The food log is probably the most benificial part to me as I feel like I can't hide anything anymore. My fave quote being.. "What you eat in private shows on your body in public".
I do feel like I lost weight upon starting my running adventures ... but since I am highly against scales and how they make me feel... I will never ever know.
I DO know that my clothes fit great... and I feel smaller.
I also know that... my shins are KILLING ME. Shin splints are death!!! They are bad to the point of bruising on my shins. It looks like I got into a fight with something... or just walked into something. But I didn't. I just ran my tush off and BAM.. bruise action on my legs. I think this is because I've really started to kick it up a notch. I've been doing longer distance running every other day - outside. Yes. Outside. Which is tough! I don't know why but my sense of timing is really different outside as opposed to inside on a treadmill. I do know that I can run a pretty solid 8 km without stopping. I do know that i run at least 6 km every other day.
CN wants me to mention how awesome he is right now. So yes. He is awesome. But no this blog isn't about him. (sorry dearest).
Back to running... well.. no speaking of CN - still pretty scared to run with him! I don't know why but I find that when I run with people (especially him) I get all self conscious and my breathing goes out the window as I try to push myself into his gazelle like pace (stupid.. long legged ... lean muscled boyfriend...). Another one of my goals is definitely to be able to run on par with him. Without feeling like a complete idiot.
True story.
Anyway. I feel like an embarrassing picture is long overdue SO HERE WE GOOO!!!
I don't know if you can see a difference... but... i feel better walking around in my skivvies. So that's a difference in itself.
A
Basically - it's Facebook for people who have fitness goals. It's a place to track and celebrate you success and track and figure out your trouble spots with people who are like minded to you. I highly recommend it to anyone looking to train for something, or lose weight.. or even just track their food for the hell of it. I've learned a lot from that website.
Essentially when you set up your profile, you enter in your goals and your time frame for you goal along with your personal h/w details. Then... it calculates how much you need to eat (not just in calories but in protein, fiber etc) and how much you need to exercise in order to reach said goal. It can be extremely eye opening. I mean.. i know sbux is bad for me but did you know that even the "slim sensations" muffin at Mcdicks has 380 Calories in it? Since when is that slimming OR sensational? NOT WORTH IT. Anyway... since starting that site I have seen a pretty exciting 3 pound weight loss. WOOOoOO
The food log is probably the most benificial part to me as I feel like I can't hide anything anymore. My fave quote being.. "What you eat in private shows on your body in public".
I do feel like I lost weight upon starting my running adventures ... but since I am highly against scales and how they make me feel... I will never ever know.
I DO know that my clothes fit great... and I feel smaller.
I also know that... my shins are KILLING ME. Shin splints are death!!! They are bad to the point of bruising on my shins. It looks like I got into a fight with something... or just walked into something. But I didn't. I just ran my tush off and BAM.. bruise action on my legs. I think this is because I've really started to kick it up a notch. I've been doing longer distance running every other day - outside. Yes. Outside. Which is tough! I don't know why but my sense of timing is really different outside as opposed to inside on a treadmill. I do know that I can run a pretty solid 8 km without stopping. I do know that i run at least 6 km every other day.
CN wants me to mention how awesome he is right now. So yes. He is awesome. But no this blog isn't about him. (sorry dearest).
Back to running... well.. no speaking of CN - still pretty scared to run with him! I don't know why but I find that when I run with people (especially him) I get all self conscious and my breathing goes out the window as I try to push myself into his gazelle like pace (stupid.. long legged ... lean muscled boyfriend...). Another one of my goals is definitely to be able to run on par with him. Without feeling like a complete idiot.
True story.
I don't know if you can see a difference... but... i feel better walking around in my skivvies. So that's a difference in itself.
A
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Mexican feasting
Hit the treadmill again yesterday and did my hour. Starting to have some doubts about if I will actually be able to do this without an 'official' training program ala the Running Room training programs.
These are my thoughts...
a)I sign up as planned for the May 15th Half.... which map wise online doesn't look scary (because it's itty bitty!)...
OR...
b) I continue what I'm doing and take the next half Running Room training program (that starts in June) and continue that for four months with the goal of running the Scotiabank Half in October.
It doesn't help that CN is skeptical about me being able to do it now. Yes... I can run straight for an hour. But I've never run the distance of a half marathon before. Perhaps it's an idea to head over to the route and attempt to run it - see how well that goes... and gauge from there what my plan of attack is.
Shin splints have started to be an issue... and treadmill boredom has become an issue (COME ON SPRING).
I have stuck to my previously mentioned goals. I've upped the anti on my workouts. Today was a doubled up day... I did Booty Beat and a Zumba class - which was a blast AND kicked my ass. There's nothing like getting a sweat on while doing a cowgirl dance move. Hilarious.
I also cooked again my my Eat, Shrink and Be Merry cookbook. I am definitely starting to wish I had started cooking more from this cookbook sooner! Everything has been DELICIOUS. I told you about the Mexican Lasagne (with the tortilla instead of noodles)... well last night I made this amazing salad called "Nacho Ordinary Taco Salad". (Cheesy titles to each meal are a wee bit of a bonus folks..)
Anyway. It was basically romaine salad topped with an extra-lean ground beef mixture (beef, onions, garlic, jalapeno, cumin, chili powder, tomatoes and ketchup) topped with corn, black beans, green pepper, tomatoes, cheese, salsa, plain yogurt, and sliced avocado. NUMMERS. I liked it a lot because I felt full after one serving, and while cooking it... I knew that lots of really healthy things were going into my body. I was excited to make and eat this beast.
Here is a recipe should anyone want to try it out *** note... I did not make any dressing for mine, and found it absolutely scrumptious without it ***
Na-cho Ordinary Taco Salad
Eat Up, and Cheer Up!!!
These are my thoughts...
a)I sign up as planned for the May 15th Half.... which map wise online doesn't look scary (because it's itty bitty!)...
OR...
b) I continue what I'm doing and take the next half Running Room training program (that starts in June) and continue that for four months with the goal of running the Scotiabank Half in October.
It doesn't help that CN is skeptical about me being able to do it now. Yes... I can run straight for an hour. But I've never run the distance of a half marathon before. Perhaps it's an idea to head over to the route and attempt to run it - see how well that goes... and gauge from there what my plan of attack is.
Shin splints have started to be an issue... and treadmill boredom has become an issue (COME ON SPRING).
I have stuck to my previously mentioned goals. I've upped the anti on my workouts. Today was a doubled up day... I did Booty Beat and a Zumba class - which was a blast AND kicked my ass. There's nothing like getting a sweat on while doing a cowgirl dance move. Hilarious.
I also cooked again my my Eat, Shrink and Be Merry cookbook. I am definitely starting to wish I had started cooking more from this cookbook sooner! Everything has been DELICIOUS. I told you about the Mexican Lasagne (with the tortilla instead of noodles)... well last night I made this amazing salad called "Nacho Ordinary Taco Salad". (Cheesy titles to each meal are a wee bit of a bonus folks..)
Anyway. It was basically romaine salad topped with an extra-lean ground beef mixture (beef, onions, garlic, jalapeno, cumin, chili powder, tomatoes and ketchup) topped with corn, black beans, green pepper, tomatoes, cheese, salsa, plain yogurt, and sliced avocado. NUMMERS. I liked it a lot because I felt full after one serving, and while cooking it... I knew that lots of really healthy things were going into my body. I was excited to make and eat this beast.
Here is a recipe should anyone want to try it out *** note... I did not make any dressing for mine, and found it absolutely scrumptious without it ***
Na-cho Ordinary Taco Salad
Eat Up, and Cheer Up!!!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Rainy Saturday
May isn't far away. People are starting to ask about what date the Half Marathon is so that they can come cheer me on at the finish line. People at work.. my mom.. and even regular customers at my store. Hello pressure how are you?
Last time I blogged I wrote about wanting to step it up. I've been doing that this past week. I did 3 runs with number 4 planned today and one class PLUS a dance call for an audition. (which I got a callback for that happens next week)... It's been a good body week. So good in fact that my shins and calves are crying out in shin splint, fatigued pain. I haven't been 'injured' at ALL this whole journey. I'm not really down with starting that now. I know I need to rest but I also know how crucial it is to keep moving so that I don't lose my motivation. I may need to step on over to bike land and spin for a week until my legs have healed a little bit.
The only thing iiisssss...... I'M A COMPETITIVE MOFO. I have such a rawry inside that needs to up everything and be my best. I don't like getting shown up after training for like.. 6 months. It makes me feel like I haven't been training well enough. So as much as I love the gym... ad my run... I like doing it alone. Then I can push myself as I want to and not worry about the speed the person next to me is running. When I run with CN - I'm watching his treadmill.. i'm watching his pace... and feeling a wee bit insufficient as I know if I run at his.. 7.5 pace that ... I will die. My short little stumps can't go at that pace for an hour.
Anyway. That was a little rant inside a rant.
Made a great lasagne last night from the Eat, Shrink and Be Merry cookbook! It had soooo many delicious and healthy ingredients. It was a Mexican inspired Lasagne.. no noodles - instead it used whole wheat tortillas. CHECK IT OUT!!! MAKE IT!!! EAT IT!!! Enjoy!!! Here is a link to the recipe.
Mexican Lasagne
Instead of ground turkey - I used extra-lean ground chicken. Enjoy!!
I dont have anything else to say right now!
Ta!
Last time I blogged I wrote about wanting to step it up. I've been doing that this past week. I did 3 runs with number 4 planned today and one class PLUS a dance call for an audition. (which I got a callback for that happens next week)... It's been a good body week. So good in fact that my shins and calves are crying out in shin splint, fatigued pain. I haven't been 'injured' at ALL this whole journey. I'm not really down with starting that now. I know I need to rest but I also know how crucial it is to keep moving so that I don't lose my motivation. I may need to step on over to bike land and spin for a week until my legs have healed a little bit.
The only thing iiisssss...... I'M A COMPETITIVE MOFO. I have such a rawry inside that needs to up everything and be my best. I don't like getting shown up after training for like.. 6 months. It makes me feel like I haven't been training well enough. So as much as I love the gym... ad my run... I like doing it alone. Then I can push myself as I want to and not worry about the speed the person next to me is running. When I run with CN - I'm watching his treadmill.. i'm watching his pace... and feeling a wee bit insufficient as I know if I run at his.. 7.5 pace that ... I will die. My short little stumps can't go at that pace for an hour.
Anyway. That was a little rant inside a rant.
Made a great lasagne last night from the Eat, Shrink and Be Merry cookbook! It had soooo many delicious and healthy ingredients. It was a Mexican inspired Lasagne.. no noodles - instead it used whole wheat tortillas. CHECK IT OUT!!! MAKE IT!!! EAT IT!!! Enjoy!!! Here is a link to the recipe.
Mexican Lasagne
Instead of ground turkey - I used extra-lean ground chicken. Enjoy!!
I dont have anything else to say right now!
Ta!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Blue Crush
Need inspiration to be in shape?
Opening scene in Blue Crush - Kate Bosworth working it out on the beach in the wee hours of the morning (pre anorexia... prime uber fit/hotness). RIDICULOUS. She makes me want to get up at a stupid hour (stupider than opening shift for Starbucks) and run on the beach and do chin-ups on the trees and ALMOST jump in Lake Ontario and do laps and paddle outs on my non-existant surfboard.
That's pretty big inspiration. Yeesh.
Anyway. I went to Mexico.
Did I surf? No - so my Blue Crush fantasies stick with the movie and on Kate Bosworth rocking her itty beeny surfing bod bikini.
Trip was great though! Relaxing, suntastic. Burnt my body, soothed it by drinking copious amounts of wine and lived to tell the tale. All in all a good trip.
Did I run?
Why yes! Yes I did, and let me tell you - running in Mexico, even in an 'air conditioned' gym is TOUGH. I could only go 45 minutes, and even that was pushing it. I sweated like a construction worker and wanted to die doing it, but as usual the payoff was feeling pretty fantastic. Another minor self victory was running on the ghetto treadmill in booty shorts. Yes. I jiggled like Beyonce and Shakira's love child - but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. I hit the gym twice and CN and I took on a rather epic walk to another resort (i know he doesn't consider this exercise.. but anything that wasn't lounging on the beach in my mind counted). Since being home I have hit the treadmill twice (an hour each time) AND taken on the great outdoors for a 'real' run. Today - I even helped a friend out who wanted gym advice... our workout today clocked in at the two hour mark. Therefore... I feel good.
Yes. I want more results. Who doesn't? As I said the Beyonce/Shakira love child jiggle does bother me a little bit. My legs are getting leaner - but I want to work on them more. As well as my arms. Since you don't really give your arms a killer workout running (unless you do the Pheobe run...) I want to lift more weights and add some more strength training into the picture.
My new goals to achieve these jiggle woes:
-Throw in an extra run OR cardio session (alo spinning class let's reacquaint ourselves shall we?)
-Stay after running at the gym and work with the machines rather than hitting the stretch area and doing just abs and light resistance training. Key moves = lunges and squats baby with some tricep dips on the side
-Hit up a class to partner with the pilates once a week. Bootcamp? Gym Stick? Body Sculpt? Thumbs UP.
Small, doable changes. Add this to a healthy diet and I will not just be the love child of my RnB ladies - but their hot (younger) ... (white)... sister!
Hellllooooooooo beach runs here I come.
Ahem... well.. maybe in the summer :)
Opening scene in Blue Crush - Kate Bosworth working it out on the beach in the wee hours of the morning (pre anorexia... prime uber fit/hotness). RIDICULOUS. She makes me want to get up at a stupid hour (stupider than opening shift for Starbucks) and run on the beach and do chin-ups on the trees and ALMOST jump in Lake Ontario and do laps and paddle outs on my non-existant surfboard.
That's pretty big inspiration. Yeesh.
Anyway. I went to Mexico.
Did I surf? No - so my Blue Crush fantasies stick with the movie and on Kate Bosworth rocking her itty beeny surfing bod bikini.
Trip was great though! Relaxing, suntastic. Burnt my body, soothed it by drinking copious amounts of wine and lived to tell the tale. All in all a good trip.
Did I run?
Why yes! Yes I did, and let me tell you - running in Mexico, even in an 'air conditioned' gym is TOUGH. I could only go 45 minutes, and even that was pushing it. I sweated like a construction worker and wanted to die doing it, but as usual the payoff was feeling pretty fantastic. Another minor self victory was running on the ghetto treadmill in booty shorts. Yes. I jiggled like Beyonce and Shakira's love child - but a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. I hit the gym twice and CN and I took on a rather epic walk to another resort (i know he doesn't consider this exercise.. but anything that wasn't lounging on the beach in my mind counted). Since being home I have hit the treadmill twice (an hour each time) AND taken on the great outdoors for a 'real' run. Today - I even helped a friend out who wanted gym advice... our workout today clocked in at the two hour mark. Therefore... I feel good.
Yes. I want more results. Who doesn't? As I said the Beyonce/Shakira love child jiggle does bother me a little bit. My legs are getting leaner - but I want to work on them more. As well as my arms. Since you don't really give your arms a killer workout running (unless you do the Pheobe run...) I want to lift more weights and add some more strength training into the picture.
My new goals to achieve these jiggle woes:
-Throw in an extra run OR cardio session (alo spinning class let's reacquaint ourselves shall we?)
-Stay after running at the gym and work with the machines rather than hitting the stretch area and doing just abs and light resistance training. Key moves = lunges and squats baby with some tricep dips on the side
-Hit up a class to partner with the pilates once a week. Bootcamp? Gym Stick? Body Sculpt? Thumbs UP.
Small, doable changes. Add this to a healthy diet and I will not just be the love child of my RnB ladies - but their hot (younger) ... (white)... sister!
Hellllooooooooo beach runs here I come.
Ahem... well.. maybe in the summer :)
Friday, February 4, 2011
Get Happy.
Sometimes instead of getting 'skinny' I wonder if I need to really REALLY dig down deep and.. well.. Get Happy.
What makes me happy? Let's make a list, because lists are delightful.
- tap dance sequences (watching them and when I have to - doing them well AND right)
- the smell of rain
- walking down the boardwalk on the beach
- being alone
- baths that have no timeframe
- meeting new people
- Gene Kelly .. Judy Garland.. Fred.. Ginger.. Frank.. the whole blast from the past gang that makes theatre so sooo beautiful and inspiring to me
- singing
- girl nights
- date nights
- conversations that are more than just fake bantering
- problem solving
- seeing big fluffy snowflakes at nighttime when they get illuminated by streetlights.. it's romantic in a weird way
- puppies. (come on... what's more innocent and delightful than a puppy?)
The list could go on. I think the point is... I'm not entirely sure how happy I am in regards to how happy the average person should be. We all have issues. We all have drama. We all have highs and lows. Sometimes I wonder if I just take things too personally and forget to really let go to those little things and move onto the bigger picture of life. This is probably a really good thing should I ever actually land a theatre gig - the life experience is adding up and making me feel more full of emotion than I ever was in theatre school. Even on a happy scale. I've been really really happy sometimes and really really sad. Confusion. I'm probably just completely normal. Regardless - being an 'actor' kind of tunes me in a little too much to my emotions, and for once in my life... I feel that I understand what truly 'tapping in' to those emotions feel like. If I had to cry on stage right now... I feel like I could.
... I don't know if that's a good thing. I generally like to have a wee bit of a wall up. It adds mystery you know?
Anyway. Being a girl who is pretty scatterbrained... I'm always looking to try new things. The hot yoga studio by my place has a special on and upon returning from Mexico I want to set up a new challenge for myself. Life is about challenge.. and I like beating my own expectations. SO the deal is... the hot yoga studio has unlimited yoga - 30 days.. 30 dollars (that's awesome)... soooo if I join for 30 days, looking at the schedule - I can make a lot of classes that will fit quite nicely around my work schedule. I should probably be able to go around 20 of those 30 days. Yoga is supposed to really connect you to the mind, body, and soul. Since I am kind of out of whack I figure this might be some quality .. roasty.. soul searching opportunity.
And well - it won't hurt the mission for eternal hotness either! baha ha ha.
Anyway. I chose to put a link up to Judy Garland singing Get Happy. Her theme song... she had soooooo many issues and was able to get on stage and be absolutely incomparable. She sings Get Happy when she herself is in a nasty spiral of drugs.. eating disorders.. and self abuse. She was a hell of a woman. And she inspires me. SO THERE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2U-rBZREQMw
What makes me happy? Let's make a list, because lists are delightful.
- tap dance sequences (watching them and when I have to - doing them well AND right)
- the smell of rain
- walking down the boardwalk on the beach
- being alone
- baths that have no timeframe
- meeting new people
- Gene Kelly .. Judy Garland.. Fred.. Ginger.. Frank.. the whole blast from the past gang that makes theatre so sooo beautiful and inspiring to me
- singing
- girl nights
- date nights
- conversations that are more than just fake bantering
- problem solving
- seeing big fluffy snowflakes at nighttime when they get illuminated by streetlights.. it's romantic in a weird way
- puppies. (come on... what's more innocent and delightful than a puppy?)
The list could go on. I think the point is... I'm not entirely sure how happy I am in regards to how happy the average person should be. We all have issues. We all have drama. We all have highs and lows. Sometimes I wonder if I just take things too personally and forget to really let go to those little things and move onto the bigger picture of life. This is probably a really good thing should I ever actually land a theatre gig - the life experience is adding up and making me feel more full of emotion than I ever was in theatre school. Even on a happy scale. I've been really really happy sometimes and really really sad. Confusion. I'm probably just completely normal. Regardless - being an 'actor' kind of tunes me in a little too much to my emotions, and for once in my life... I feel that I understand what truly 'tapping in' to those emotions feel like. If I had to cry on stage right now... I feel like I could.
... I don't know if that's a good thing. I generally like to have a wee bit of a wall up. It adds mystery you know?
Anyway. Being a girl who is pretty scatterbrained... I'm always looking to try new things. The hot yoga studio by my place has a special on and upon returning from Mexico I want to set up a new challenge for myself. Life is about challenge.. and I like beating my own expectations. SO the deal is... the hot yoga studio has unlimited yoga - 30 days.. 30 dollars (that's awesome)... soooo if I join for 30 days, looking at the schedule - I can make a lot of classes that will fit quite nicely around my work schedule. I should probably be able to go around 20 of those 30 days. Yoga is supposed to really connect you to the mind, body, and soul. Since I am kind of out of whack I figure this might be some quality .. roasty.. soul searching opportunity.
And well - it won't hurt the mission for eternal hotness either! baha ha ha.
Anyway. I chose to put a link up to Judy Garland singing Get Happy. Her theme song... she had soooooo many issues and was able to get on stage and be absolutely incomparable. She sings Get Happy when she herself is in a nasty spiral of drugs.. eating disorders.. and self abuse. She was a hell of a woman. And she inspires me. SO THERE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2U-rBZREQMw
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Beach Dreams and a Snobby Tummy
In one week at this time I will likely be packing. Panicking and packing. I like to leave things until last minute or else I get overexcited... sooo if I pack NOW for Mexico then I will just have a lot of waiting to do rather than productive time spent packing on the day of leaving.
... yes... Excellent plan.
Luckily I will be working everyday until I get my butt on that plane so there won't be any days spent wasted. I like to be a busy girl.
Tonight however... i would love to be at my beloved bootcamp class. BUT I will be closing Starbucks. Don't get me wrong - I do love my job.. I just find days that I close are the hardest. I end up wasting the morning and then being a little slow once I get to work... and since the customer load isn't very large at night - it can get a little boring!
Opening are the days I love. Yes, I know, being up early sounds kind of lame - but it's being done early that is beautiful. I love knowing I have been productive! I love getting up and going and working then being done at 2.. and going to the gym.. then reading.. then going out with a friend orrrr working on a monologue or ANYTHING. I feel that since I started off the day working that I can kind of spend the rest of the day on me and however I feel I want to spend it. Yesterday was a good day. I opened. Then ran (might I mention yesterday was a 'snowstorm'). Then came home... read my book.. and then went out with Breanna. We went to "No Strings Attached". Albeit a pretty typical rom com.... it made me laugh! It tugged at my tuggable heartstrings and didn't make me sign at it's lameness. It was cute, witty and a good girls night movie. The only thing that was sour was the POPCORN. I ate some... and my tummy was one grumpy tummy!!!! I've been gradually trying to change my eating habits and movie theatre popcorn isn't something I eat very often (if at all) and yesterday it was quite clear that it just isn't worth it. My body hated it... and therefore I really need to get on the train of thought of putting good things into me to make me feel good. To make me feel energized and happy! I felt shitty... but kind of stoked at the same time because I think my tummy is becoming a snob.
Right?
I mean... if you feed yourself good things... you feel good! And I have been feeling great lately! So way to go team tummy for reminding me of the really not so hotness that is possible when you eat before you think.
I will forever treat my tummy like the snob that it is.
Lesson learned.
Fave quote from movie last night? "It's like a crime scene in my pants".
Go. Laugh... and don't think too much.
... yes... Excellent plan.
Luckily I will be working everyday until I get my butt on that plane so there won't be any days spent wasted. I like to be a busy girl.
Tonight however... i would love to be at my beloved bootcamp class. BUT I will be closing Starbucks. Don't get me wrong - I do love my job.. I just find days that I close are the hardest. I end up wasting the morning and then being a little slow once I get to work... and since the customer load isn't very large at night - it can get a little boring!
Opening are the days I love. Yes, I know, being up early sounds kind of lame - but it's being done early that is beautiful. I love knowing I have been productive! I love getting up and going and working then being done at 2.. and going to the gym.. then reading.. then going out with a friend orrrr working on a monologue or ANYTHING. I feel that since I started off the day working that I can kind of spend the rest of the day on me and however I feel I want to spend it. Yesterday was a good day. I opened. Then ran (might I mention yesterday was a 'snowstorm'). Then came home... read my book.. and then went out with Breanna. We went to "No Strings Attached". Albeit a pretty typical rom com.... it made me laugh! It tugged at my tuggable heartstrings and didn't make me sign at it's lameness. It was cute, witty and a good girls night movie. The only thing that was sour was the POPCORN. I ate some... and my tummy was one grumpy tummy!!!! I've been gradually trying to change my eating habits and movie theatre popcorn isn't something I eat very often (if at all) and yesterday it was quite clear that it just isn't worth it. My body hated it... and therefore I really need to get on the train of thought of putting good things into me to make me feel good. To make me feel energized and happy! I felt shitty... but kind of stoked at the same time because I think my tummy is becoming a snob.
Right?
I mean... if you feed yourself good things... you feel good! And I have been feeling great lately! So way to go team tummy for reminding me of the really not so hotness that is possible when you eat before you think.
I will forever treat my tummy like the snob that it is.
Lesson learned.
Fave quote from movie last night? "It's like a crime scene in my pants".
Go. Laugh... and don't think too much.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Just a pic. Nothing more.
Working hard. Hitting a little bit of a plateau with running. I'm getting bored of the treadmill and look forward to the sun coming out and making the running outside a realistic treat!!!!!
A
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Surprise!
I have been avoiding my blog. Why? well I am full of surprises and didn't want to spill the beans on a current trip to Calgary. I wanted to surprise a few fabulous theater people. For those who know me (and if you are reading this you prolly know me) you know that i SUCK at lying and I SUCK at keeping secrets. BUT I FINALLY DID IT!
I saw not one but TWO shows in Calgary. I saw Emily in Titanic. Beautifully haunting show. And I saw a lot of old show buddies in The Producers tonight. What can I say? It made me miss the stage soooo very much. There is nothing more awkward than for me to watch a killer show then come out to congratulate the performers and then have them ask "Sooo what are you doing?" .... In the moment... honestly.. i just want to talk about them and bask in their awesomeness rather than talk about my latte handling and not so glamorous Toronto life. I would give anything being on that stage singing.. dancing... acting my cute butt off.. but it's not easy. I'm not being lame or pathetic but for real - just having a piece of paper from Sheridan doesn't mean you will raise to 'glory' right after school. It's not a typical thing (or 'practical' thing)... and it's hard for some people to understand. It makes me feel ashamed sometimes to have to tell people that I have 6 years of post secondary school... and I'm pretty talented... but yea - I am making lattes and don't have any theater stuff coming up. It breaks my heart a little. Le sigh.
However - on a more celebratory note... I could NOT have picked a better time to come to Calgary. I am here... I saw my family.. and lo and be hold an incredibly dear friend to me is ENGAGED. I will not say who for lack of knowing who reads this and who she has told. But i am soooo happy for her and so happy to be here to SEE the ring (NOT on skype!!!). Champagne will come out and tears will be shed for the beautiful engagement that is now official.
Oh yea... this is a running blog! WELL LET ME TELL YOU. My parents have an elliptical in their basement (that i had to DUST off *ahem*) and I went on it. I went for an hour... and friends... I can pound out 13 KM in an hour. Do you know how cool that was for me to see!? I don't know the last time I felt that accomplished. Graduation was more of a relief than anything... but 13 km in an hour feels like I've actually started this goal and journey... and am completely on track towards obtaining it! Not to mention I actually ran on vacation. That's impressive. I ran again today - but only had time for a half hour in which I squeezed out 6.5 km. This again got me pretty stoked as a few years ago, my official time for a 5KM race was 34 minutes. I have bested myself. And I like it. And I want to beat it.
The next step in my training is to make my thighs melt a little bit. Being that I am on a little bit of a vacation at my parents - shopping is involved. I have a huge dislike for dressing room lighting. I think that if some stores want to sell product - then they need to light dressing rooms in the most flattering way possible because let me tell you - I went from fab to drab faster than you can say fluorescent lightbulbs. Yuuuucck. Anyways. My plan of action is to do some more light weight training focusing in on my arms and my thighal area. Because those areas bummed me out (ha!).
I am looking forward to being back in Toronto. It has been a short - yet sweet - visit to a place I used to call home. However... the void in my heart tells me that home.. well... it's not here and I miss my home. I miss my man. I miss my Toronto friends. I even miss Star.... well... no... I don't miss Starbucks. I would take that grind smell and abolish for life if I could. But I feel like the world I need is the world I've started to make for myself - joe job and all. At least the people I work with are artsy people who understand that it's ok to not make a salary... it's ok to live paycheck to paycheck.. and it's ok (and encouraged) to follow your passions.
So onward I will go.... and wherever that takes me I hope to soar onto pretty fantastic things. I do want to be somebody. I just have to figure out all those little pieces in order to become the best possible version of myself that I can be.
With that I leave you my numbers - 43.5 hours 216 km. (!!!)
I saw not one but TWO shows in Calgary. I saw Emily in Titanic. Beautifully haunting show. And I saw a lot of old show buddies in The Producers tonight. What can I say? It made me miss the stage soooo very much. There is nothing more awkward than for me to watch a killer show then come out to congratulate the performers and then have them ask "Sooo what are you doing?" .... In the moment... honestly.. i just want to talk about them and bask in their awesomeness rather than talk about my latte handling and not so glamorous Toronto life. I would give anything being on that stage singing.. dancing... acting my cute butt off.. but it's not easy. I'm not being lame or pathetic but for real - just having a piece of paper from Sheridan doesn't mean you will raise to 'glory' right after school. It's not a typical thing (or 'practical' thing)... and it's hard for some people to understand. It makes me feel ashamed sometimes to have to tell people that I have 6 years of post secondary school... and I'm pretty talented... but yea - I am making lattes and don't have any theater stuff coming up. It breaks my heart a little. Le sigh.
However - on a more celebratory note... I could NOT have picked a better time to come to Calgary. I am here... I saw my family.. and lo and be hold an incredibly dear friend to me is ENGAGED. I will not say who for lack of knowing who reads this and who she has told. But i am soooo happy for her and so happy to be here to SEE the ring (NOT on skype!!!). Champagne will come out and tears will be shed for the beautiful engagement that is now official.
Oh yea... this is a running blog! WELL LET ME TELL YOU. My parents have an elliptical in their basement (that i had to DUST off *ahem*) and I went on it. I went for an hour... and friends... I can pound out 13 KM in an hour. Do you know how cool that was for me to see!? I don't know the last time I felt that accomplished. Graduation was more of a relief than anything... but 13 km in an hour feels like I've actually started this goal and journey... and am completely on track towards obtaining it! Not to mention I actually ran on vacation. That's impressive. I ran again today - but only had time for a half hour in which I squeezed out 6.5 km. This again got me pretty stoked as a few years ago, my official time for a 5KM race was 34 minutes. I have bested myself. And I like it. And I want to beat it.
The next step in my training is to make my thighs melt a little bit. Being that I am on a little bit of a vacation at my parents - shopping is involved. I have a huge dislike for dressing room lighting. I think that if some stores want to sell product - then they need to light dressing rooms in the most flattering way possible because let me tell you - I went from fab to drab faster than you can say fluorescent lightbulbs. Yuuuucck. Anyways. My plan of action is to do some more light weight training focusing in on my arms and my thighal area. Because those areas bummed me out (ha!).
I am looking forward to being back in Toronto. It has been a short - yet sweet - visit to a place I used to call home. However... the void in my heart tells me that home.. well... it's not here and I miss my home. I miss my man. I miss my Toronto friends. I even miss Star.... well... no... I don't miss Starbucks. I would take that grind smell and abolish for life if I could. But I feel like the world I need is the world I've started to make for myself - joe job and all. At least the people I work with are artsy people who understand that it's ok to not make a salary... it's ok to live paycheck to paycheck.. and it's ok (and encouraged) to follow your passions.
So onward I will go.... and wherever that takes me I hope to soar onto pretty fantastic things. I do want to be somebody. I just have to figure out all those little pieces in order to become the best possible version of myself that I can be.
With that I leave you my numbers - 43.5 hours 216 km. (!!!)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
37 hours 180 km. New Year.
So since the last post.. I got sick! Full on head cold poopy... sickness. Therefore - running didn't happen so much in that week after. The first run back afterward was HARD. I was still coughing and sniffly... and my head was still full of mucus but I pushed through. So I'm back now, have been hitting the treadmill really consistently once again. To add some body shock into it to get me really revved up (and burning those extra holiday delicious calories!) I've been doubling it up - spinning/pilates (spinlates) running/pilates, running/biking. To really get that burn on and start the New Year feeling fantastic.
And I DO feel fantastic! I was at pilates the other night at my gym.. and I'm a regualr there now so I know some other regulars. This particular girl (who happens to be my birthday twin!) came up to me and told me that I was looking great and toned and like I'd been training really hard.
Do you know how amazing that feels to have someone notice your hardwork?
I mean.. CN has been noticing the tone and that feels amazing. But he thinks I'm beautiful even when I don't think I'm beautiful. If I could have his eyes I'd be one cocky girl!!!! But he's definitely been a huge support system.. to getting my butt into the gym... and to buying clothes that actually fit me and show off my body.
I'm getting kind of pumped for this new year thing. I'm excited that I will be running a half marathon in 5 months. I want to do a 10K first.... get my toes into that water then really work hard toward my next goal. I'm also kind of intrigued at the idea of a triathlon......
Maybe I will train for a Half AND a triathlon.....
Now to find a pool. Because I am NOT swimming in lake ontario.
With that I wish you all a beautiful, happy, fit New Year.
Ps... running is a breeze right now. An hour goes by really really easily for me and i LOOOOVE it!!
A
And I DO feel fantastic! I was at pilates the other night at my gym.. and I'm a regualr there now so I know some other regulars. This particular girl (who happens to be my birthday twin!) came up to me and told me that I was looking great and toned and like I'd been training really hard.
Do you know how amazing that feels to have someone notice your hardwork?
I mean.. CN has been noticing the tone and that feels amazing. But he thinks I'm beautiful even when I don't think I'm beautiful. If I could have his eyes I'd be one cocky girl!!!! But he's definitely been a huge support system.. to getting my butt into the gym... and to buying clothes that actually fit me and show off my body.
I'm getting kind of pumped for this new year thing. I'm excited that I will be running a half marathon in 5 months. I want to do a 10K first.... get my toes into that water then really work hard toward my next goal. I'm also kind of intrigued at the idea of a triathlon......
Maybe I will train for a Half AND a triathlon.....
Now to find a pool. Because I am NOT swimming in lake ontario.
With that I wish you all a beautiful, happy, fit New Year.
Ps... running is a breeze right now. An hour goes by really really easily for me and i LOOOOVE it!!
A
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