I have taken a mental health and heart break and have basically fled to Calgary for recluse over the past few days. I have been doing things my way... seeing people who feed my soul with good things, sleeping, planning, silly movie watching with my poor mom. Basically I've begun to re-fall in love - with myself. I know that sounds lame and conceited and blah blah blah... but's it isn't in the least. I've really had a huge and very real and scary disconnect with myself lately. I haven't been honest with myself at all and my body began to rebel sending me into funks and sickness that I didn't understand. I lost my voice for an audition I really cared about... and I think it was my bodies way of telling me to wake the fuck up and start looking around you and the life that you are living. Is this it? Is this what you want?
I'm awake now. My soul is itching to be fully connected with my head and heart again but oo boy some things just do a number on you. I have never been in the kind of pain I feel right now. It is literally as if someone were taking my heart and scraping away at all the surrounding area created a membrane of very real and intense pain. My chest hurts man! I don't know what a heart attack is like (and hopefully.. i never will) but... wow. Heartbreak is akin to death. The scary thing is... this is my choice. This is self inflicted heartbreak. This is heartbreak filled with resent, fear, love, excitement and curiosity.
How fucked up is that?!
Anyway. I watched the movie 'Letters to Juliet' tonight and was pretty swept away at the thought of it. I felt so personally and directly connected to the story. First of all... I am your Grade A hopeless romantic. I have times where I want someone to make some profoundly embarrassing display of emotions ala the Brat Pack movies. Which makes me fear that I live in my own high expectation ridden world of ideals about love. Basically.. I think that although love has times that are tough - that it should be easy and smooth sailing and logical in a slightly illogical way. Real love should happen whether you want it or not. It broke my heart (more..) to see those darlings writing letters to post on the Wall of Juliet in Verona. Girls pouring out the guts to someone who doesn't exist just because they feel that she is a person who would understand that sometimes love isn't what you plan it out to be. In fact.. most times it's not. Love can be mistake-tastic!!
... does anyone find it morbid that I am going through a heartbreak and going on about love all at the same time?
If I were to write a letter to Juliet (and the romance of that thought makes me totally want to) I would hope to say something profound. However, I think I would just wait until a lot of people were at the wall to serve as a giant mass of distraction.. and I would casually walk over to the wall and carefully (and sneakily) read other peoples thoughts. An indulgence of the heart.
AND I would probably cry because I'm a huge sap and a huge believer in love... which leaves me with hope that I can find a great, real.. love.
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