Postponing

It's official.  I will not be running my half as planned on May 15th.  I will however enlist in some Running Room training times and get my 21km run in October!!  This past month has really just knocked me out physically.

I've been getting back into the gym.  Not that I spent very long away from it - but when a girl is used to hitting the gym every other day for almost a year - missing it for almost a week is awful!  I've since run a couple of times and hit my epic ass kickings of all ass kickings - the self named spinlates doosey.

Another thing that needs to be said... is that the running was very much inspired by CN.  He stands by it being the best weight loss tool - and yes I have lost weight... but I am finding myself kind of rebelling against running for the time being.  A work out is a work out.  If you are working hard, your heart is beating and your body is sweating - then you are doing good things for yourself.

Spinlates is when I go to an hour spinning class followed by Pilates class.  It's KILLER.  You work your ass off in both.  And spinning makes me not think about time.  I don't fixate on how much longer is left in the class - i have fun.  I listen to the beat of the music and pound it out.  And sweatwise?  I am a hot mess.  Then going immediately to a Pilates class that is focusing on killing my abs really helps me to work everything.  

Speaking of hot messes... this past week has been a little tough.  I've started to feel really alone - which makes sense considering I ended a 2 and a half year partnership of not aloneness.  Now it's just me.  It is hard to let that sink in and stomach it.  In fact... I haven't reaaallly been able to handle a lot of food over the past week and a bit.   My appetite is shot.  This is another reason I can't see myself doing the half on the 15th.  I'm starting to really abuse myself with eating.  I realize that this is an issue.  It's weird when you don't eat because you're not hungry... and then consciously not eat because you're addicted to the feeling of an empty stomach.  It's a really sick feeling of control.   Should I have chosen to attempt the half, in all seriousness - I fear I would have passed out along the route.  Don't worry... I'm not going to let this go on and have it turn into some full blown eating disorder.  The fact that I know what I'm technically doing is a good first step to not letting it go further.   To combat it, I am packing up a nice healthy dinner to bring to work tonight.

Anyway.  This isn't that exciting of a post but I do hope it was enjoyable in some sense.

Ta!

My Letter to Juliet

I have taken a mental health and heart break and have basically fled to Calgary for recluse over the past few days.   I have been doing things my way... seeing people who feed my soul with good things, sleeping, planning, silly movie watching with my poor mom.  Basically I've begun to re-fall in love - with myself.  I know that sounds lame and conceited and blah blah blah... but's it isn't in the least. I've really had a huge and very real and scary disconnect with myself lately.  I haven't been honest with myself at all and my body began to rebel sending me into funks and sickness that I didn't understand.  I lost my voice for an audition I really cared about... and I think it was my bodies way of telling me to wake the fuck up and start looking around you and the life that you are living.  Is this it?  Is this what you want?  

I'm awake now.   My soul is itching to be fully connected with my head and heart again but oo boy some things just do a number on you.  I have never been in the kind of pain I feel right now.  It is literally as if someone were taking my heart and scraping away at all the surrounding area created a membrane of very real and intense pain.  My chest hurts man!  I don't know what a heart attack is like (and hopefully.. i never will) but... wow.   Heartbreak is akin to death.   The scary thing is...  this is my choice.   This is self inflicted heartbreak.  This is heartbreak filled with resent, fear, love, excitement and curiosity.

How fucked up is that?!

Anyway.  I watched the movie 'Letters to Juliet' tonight and was pretty swept away at the thought of it.   I felt so personally and directly connected to the story.  First of all... I am your Grade A hopeless romantic.  I have times where I want someone to make some profoundly embarrassing display of emotions ala the Brat Pack movies.  Which makes me fear that I live in my own high expectation ridden world of ideals about love.   Basically.. I think that although love has times that are tough - that it should be easy and smooth sailing and logical in a slightly illogical way.  Real love should happen whether you want it or not.  It broke my heart (more..) to see those darlings writing letters to post on the Wall of Juliet in Verona.   Girls pouring out the guts to someone who doesn't exist just because they feel that she is a person who would understand that sometimes love isn't what you plan it out to be.  In fact.. most times it's not.  Love can be mistake-tastic!!

... does anyone find it morbid that I am going through a heartbreak and going on about love all at the same time?

If I were to write a letter to Juliet (and the romance of that thought makes me totally want to) I would hope to say something profound.  However, I think I would just wait until a lot of people were at the wall to serve as a giant mass of distraction.. and I would casually walk over to the wall and carefully (and sneakily) read other peoples thoughts.   An indulgence of the heart.

AND I would probably cry because I'm a huge sap and a huge believer in love... which leaves me with hope that I can find a great, real.. love.